Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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