I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
