I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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