She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
