I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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