Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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