this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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