I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
