Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
