I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
