You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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