Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I have already put on my inside pants.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
