eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
