the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
