Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
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Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
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I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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