If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
