Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
