Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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