Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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