i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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