I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
