Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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