Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
