I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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