I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
