We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i've created a new STD.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
