after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
