he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
