Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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