I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
