my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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