somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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