Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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