So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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