God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
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she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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