I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
