Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
