We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
