He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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