The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
