if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
someone owes me an orgasm
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
