I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
