You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
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The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son