When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since