Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
