Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
