Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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