they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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