By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
