The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
