Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
