i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
