She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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