I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
