I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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