Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
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There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
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2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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