Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
